Family Ties

Family Ties
by Annie Tornabene


Growing up the first contact we have with anyone is our families. Whatever experience we have, it begins with the family. Some of us had good experiences with family. And some not good experiences with family. Some of us didn't know we had bad experiences with family, we just thought that was the way it was. It was not until later in life, when we experience other families that we notice our family may be dysfunctional.

If the family is sick, meaning dysfunctional, co-dependent, alcoholism (you don't have to drink to be an alcoholic - it could pass for generations), family abuse, violence, racism and sexual abuse, the family can get used to this and think this is normal. In other words, the families are asleep. They don't know that there is a better way. It takes one member to be awakened to say the buck stops here. They may become a nuisance and irritate the rest of the family to wake up.

A big fear that many dysfunctional members have is being afraid to love. It is one of the most basic needs we have, yet for many growing up in a dysfunctional family, it was the most frightening. They end up searching for love in all the wrong places. It is how they keep safe from being hurt. Many freak out once someone shows real love to them. They say they are getting too close. They run and try to hide.

I dated a guy like this. Every time we started getting "serious", he would break up with me. It never lasted very long. He would start missing the love that I had and call to start the "game" all over again. His daughter is the one that calls me "Mom" because she said I was like a Mom to her. She said everything she learned about real love came from me. She is married to a wonderful man and has three beautiful children that call me Grandma. She felt her Dad missed out. I dated her Dad for seven years before I finally said, "Enough is enough." I told him he had a yellow streak down his back. And he has spent his entire life running from love.

For individuals like this, the fear of love and inability to trust had deep roots in early childhood. Many feel that if you love them, you will leave them, reject them, hurt them, smother them, or you may even try to kill them. This unconscious fear grows into their adult life. One lady told me that is why she became depressed. She thought by being depressed, she could hide.

Withdrawal is a downright dirty way to fight. It can be a form of passive hostility, self-pity, or self-justification. It can be caused by a fear of conflict, a fear of being dominated by the other person, a fear of love and trust, or any of a number of other reasons. However, when one party withdraws, there is no possible chance for resolution. It's even worse when both parties withdraw. Snow White came from a dysfunctional family and lived with a man named Grumpy. See you are not alone.

It is never too late to learn how to love and trust. It is never too late to awaken the family. You can't always choose your family, but you can choose your friends. You can include your circle of friends as your family. Family ties are important to keep us growing...to keep us moving in the right direction...to keep us remembering we are human. If your family ties are dysfunctional, start new family ties. The buck stops here. You can't do anything but learn from the past. The past is a bucket of ashes. Dump the bucket out and begin a new day of living a fuller more fulfilled life. Together we can make a difference in understanding depression.