Some years ago during a visit to Yellowstone Park with my Pomeranians, I observed that the only animal that the grizzly bear would share his food with was a skunk.
It wasn't that the grizzly wanted to share his food but rather that he chose to. With his powerful paw he could have crushed the skunk with one swing. However the bear knew the high cost to getting even. Clever bear! Undoubtedly he learned the hard way.
Strange that we humans often aren't as smart as the the average bear. We carry grudges for years, sometimes repressing them from conscious memory; not knowing why we feel resentment, and end up hurting ourselves more than the ones that caused the pain. We fail to see how damaging an unforgiveness is. What happens in those times when you get the feeling it’s time to move on? What happens when you continually come up against roadblocks that you can’t seem to overcome? What happens when all your unrewarded efforts just seem to depress you?
Doctors and counselors alike attest to the damage done by failing to forgive. Some medical doctors estimate that the majority of illnesses they treat are related to emotional problems such as resentment which is a lack of forgiveness. One doctor wrote in his book, "None of These Diseases", that a forgiving spirit could save us from ulcerated colitis, toxic goiters, high blood pressure, and scores of other diseases including ulcers, asthma, arthritis, neurodermatitis, and heart ailments. All because of resentment. Counselors and psychiatrists see the roots of bitterness reflected in depression, anxiety, fear, anger, suicides worry, feelings of sabotage, and dysfunctional and broken relationships.
During med school, I read one report of an astonished patient who was told by his doctor: "If you don't cut out your resentments, I may have to cut out a part of your intestinal tract."
Fortunately, the man took the doctor's advice. He had been nursing a bitter grudge against a former business partner. He went to see this man, resolved their differences, and forgave him. When he returned to the doctor, his physical condition had cleared up. I've also seen many that could not learn to forgive. How many years did they live imprisoned by the past? How many died in that torment?
Not to forgive is to be imprisoned by the past.
Many times you will hear that only those who are persistent in life, love and career win the prizes. There is that famous quote from Calvin Coolidge hanging over our heads that ‘persistence and determination alone are omnipotent’. Over and over we are told that if we quit or change course midway through an endeavor, then we are weak or not made of the right mettle. But is this necessarily always true?
I’d like to share some simple ideas on how to decide when it is wise to walk away and change your course. These ideas might help you in your career, business, and relationships - life.
History is full of people, who quit one path, only to succeed greatly at something else. Ross Perot quit IBM to eventually become a self-made billionaire, Robbie Williams quit his boy-band tenure to become the highest paid solo pop artist of his generation; Diana, Princess of Wales ‘quit’ the Royal family, only to become more famous and respected for her humanitarian work. I could tell you numerous others that you wouldn't recognize their names like my Dad who change his course that lead to a better future.
Sometimes you reach a crossroads on a certain path in your life and it is time to reexamine to continue in the same way or to change directions. Sometimes the changes can be slight, sometimes they can be drastic. Sometime you can feel guilty, or grief at the possibility of walking away from something that has been important to you. Sometimes friends and family cause you grief over the changes. Only you can decide what those changes need to be.
Here are some simple guidelines that can help you make the right choice:
1) Ask yourself why you started what you’re doing? Think back to the beginning point of your current situation. If it’s a relationship, what drew you into it in the first place? Is that still important to you? If it’s a career or project or business, what made you decide to get involved? Get these answers clear first so you can see your starting point and how far you have come.
2) Discover if you have any challenge or interest left. Is there anything you feel is incomplete or unfinished in your current position? Anything you want to accomplish, learn, do or say to someone? If so, do it NOW so that you can move on without regret or need to back-peddle. This will free you to focus on your new future.
3) As you probably know, you are not alone. Others are in or have been in the same boat as you are in now. Look at those people who are a few years ahead in the same position and ask yourself whether you want to be where they are. This is a great eye opener. Look at your current situation and find someone a few years ahead of you who elected to stay in the same position you are in now. Consider whether you would like to be in a similar situation in a few years. If the answer is no, it’s probably time to move on.
4) Don't feel guilty. Often when we are familiar with something or someone for a long time, we simply feel a sense of guilt that holds us back. This can happen in relationships, careers, sports, business, etc.
A key to confidence in your life is to be certain in your mind that is totally okay to change your mind and stop banging your head against a wall that you no longer enjoy. Have courage that your life is yours first and you will find people around you will respect your decisions more than when you wishy washy. People around you, when you act wishy washy, think they are trying to help you by bring up all the possibilities and reasons you should stay the course.
5) Once you've made your decision, move quickly in your new life. Make sure your new focus holds your interest and gives you a sense of challenge, as this helps to emotionally lay the old activities to rest.
6) Make a class act decision. Changing course is rarely a pleasant experience. No one said life would be easy, just know that your decision is worth it. Often an unpleasant situation precedes the act of quitting. There can be emotions that are expressed, or things left undone in the process of walking away.
Wherever possible, move on without burning bridges by offending people. Doing this will save you much regret later on, and may just come in handy down the track, as you never know when people from the past will offer you a new opportunity in the future.
If you don't forgive the right way, resentment will poke its ugly head out at the most unexpected times similar to a couple gets into an argument and start dragging up events from the past. True forgiveness needs to be with our heart and soul. Obviously those things haven't been forgiven. Forgiveness may not forget the past but it can let bygones be bygones. It doesn't have to affect our present or our future.
Forgiveness can be very difficult if we have been hurt deeply but how do we forgive someone when that person doesn't even know or feel any wrong doing?
When a person recognizes his wrongdoing, that certainly makes forgiveness easier.
Sometimes he doesn't, which is usually the case. Forgiveness becomes a choice. We can choose to forgive or not to forgive. The choice is your? No one can make you forgive. You're the one that has to know it is right for you.
We need to realize is that forgiveness is essential perhaps more for our hurts and feelings because of resentment than it is for the one who has wronged us. Lack of forgiveness is caused by a mixture of hurt and anger. Therefore, to truly forgive, one needs to face and deal with their own hurt and anger. Even forgiveness of self. Remember we are victors not victims.
Therefore to resolve that resentment, we need to be totally honest and admit exactly how we feel. We need to get these feelings off our chest - not by lashing out and hurting the other person, but in love, visualizing or by writing out our feelings until they are completely dissipated. To forgive is not to ignore justice. Pope John Paul forgave his would-be-assassin, but the man stayed in prison, and rightly so. And where we want others to forgive us, we will want to do everything in our power to make a just restitution.
The important thing is that we respond to forgiveness by acknowledging wrongdoing and accepting free pardon. Let us freely forgive one another as we forgive ourselves.
Forgiveness frees and heals the forgiver. The mind healing has begun. Have you been freed?
No comments:
Post a Comment